Selfish Ally

It will be labelled as selfish to be expecting one’s friends to return one’s favours. But do we actually live in a self less world? Do we not expect our friends to help us especially when they are capable of doing so? Should we really be called self-seeking if we want to believe that our friends will support us in times of distress? ‘I’ll be there for you’. Does that not sound divine?

We say we make friends. We choose, from the meaningless crowd, and we see meaning in just one. But do we actually pick friends? Not always. In fact, we do not choose friends in most cases. Circumstances compel our social instincts to act and we rush to find someone whose wavelength matches ours. But I have a feeling that it is not a friend that we find in the process, but a mutual complier.

I have many friends. Although I do not assert on it but many of them claim that we are the best of friends. Whenever there is a need, I help them in my modest capacity and they always reciprocate with zest. But these favours that are returned are something that I consciously expect. If he does not support me then, I may not be able to keep the same good terms any more or should I say the compliance would end. Even if it does not, I’ll always be disturbed by that thought.

My impulses have always helped me win friends. By my own theory, however, most of them are only compliers. Among the friends I have, there a few whom I have known quite closely. They were pretty average in almost all the aspects of life. I was always asked to stay away from them. "Mediocrity is infectious", I used to think too.

When I grew up, I realised that, and parted ways with them. After that, I made many other friends, who were better than me in terms of academics and every other genre of competition which helps us grow in life. But all I could feel towards them was a sense of jealousy. These were the people I always wanted to be with. Also, there were people whom I wanted to make friends with, but never could do it. Some did not look approachable whereas with some I failed to sustain the relations for long.

These days all of my 'average' friends are doing well in their engagements. Some of them are in much better positions than what I am in. But they have never lost touch with me. They have always tried to call or communicate with me. It was I who avoided their calls, prejudiced against them thinking of it as a plot to sabotage my progresses.

I am a humiliated man. And I know that I deserve it too. But, I was never the philanthropic sorts. All I wanted was a better life and ways that lead me towards it. But here I am. Still loved, by my friends, only to be embarrassed further.

There are still questions to be asked. It’s right to stay away from ignorance. But is it equally right to stay away from the ignorant? Perhaps my theory does not have an answer to that.

Probably my theory is bull shit, or even having a theory to define the rules and rights of friendship is bull shit. This desperation of writing is getting into my head. Think I should just go and talk to a friend.