I often wonder about the source that motivates my aimless wandering. Having arrived at multiple answers where deduction does not hold true, I get compelled to succumb to a million other thoughts which crave for my attention. But during a rare prolonged free time, I do answer my own question, though not in exact terms.
Why do I call myself a wanderer? And, what is it of stagnation that apprehends me?
A couple of years ago, Dhanbad was my whole world. However, I was always convinced that moving to another city was inevitable. It seems too recent to be nostalgic about that gang of jobless friends, the big house with a rickety look, annoying relatives.
I find the idea of living in a small town not inferior but convenient. If I chose to be at Dhanbad, I could have become a lot more than what I am now. The reputation of ancestral goodwill and the profession of law could have sailed me beyond every inch of uncertainty and misery that comprises my life now. Yet for reasons very typical of any youngster, I chose to shift base. Dhanbad offered no option of exploring more. There was a monotonous familiarity in every face. Moreover, there was a general feel of infectious mediocrity and recluse.
Calcutta was better in some ways and worse in many. It provided me in herself, with the sophistication of an ultra-urban lifestyle. But it had that comforting domestic warmth of a neighborhood which treated like a guest in the beginning and then, having subdued your thirst for adventure, returned you to your origins.
Delhi was loud and lacked any subtlety in whatever it had to offer to new arrivers like me. But I believe I needed to confront adventure in its raw form and realize eventually that it was a tad too much for me. It also gave me a complex that I could not embrace what I had been longing for when given the opportunity.
Bangalore would never have become ‘home’ to me unless my kins did not settle down here. I have a huge circle of indifferent friends in Bangalore which has not constrained me of flaunting any emotion even to a reasonable extent. The indifference has, recently been breached though. Also, the blame for my secluded self in this city has boomeranged into my face. And I have obliged by not denying either.
I suppose the wandering is bound to continue for a little longer in order for me to find my utopia.